Traditional wedding vows have a long history and a wealth of cultural significance. When you say “…to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health…” you’re making a promise to love and care for one another–and to be in it for the long haul. That is a noble ideal, but the vows offer little in practical advice. Consider incorporating these alternate vows that can help you create a strong and satisfying marriage:
- “I promise to support and protect your freedom. Our lives are intertwined, but your choices are still yours alone.”
It is important to maintain your individuality and autonomy in your relationship. Research shows that when partners feel pressured to comply to directives, or that they must obey rules to be accepted, it hampers feelings of fulfillment. Support each others right to make decisions independently.
- “I promise to respect, admire, and appreciate you for who you are, as well as for the person you wish to become.”
Striving to see the best in each other, while supporting each other in pursuit of your dreams and in your attempts to grow and improve can lead to long-term benefit to you, your partner and your relationship.
- “I promise to show you, every day, that I know exactly how lucky I am to have you in my life.”
Research shows that when we express gratitude to our partners and help them feel appreciated, they tend to be happier, more committed, and more appreciative themselves. Research has also suggests that expressing gratitude and compassion can alleviate your own symptoms of stress, anxiety and depression.
- “I promise to keep our lives exciting, adventurous, and full of passion.”
Ironically, the traits we value in long-term relationships (stability, support, collaboration, being known, etc) are the opposite of what we find sexually and emotionally exciting (aggression, mystery, unpredictability). Couples are happier when they engage in new, interesting things together. Keep courting each other, keep traveling and exploring together, and keep sharing novel and interesting experiences.
Lastly, consider doing away with “I take you to be my wedded husband/wife,” and replacing it with: “I take you to be my pain in the ass.” (At least in your head, if not to your family.)
Let’s face it, at times, your partner will annoy you. They will have irritating habits, they will make decisions you don’t agree with and they will at times fail to meet your needs in a complete or timely manner. In short, they will continue to not only be human, but a separate human with needs, emotions and a world view that differs from yours. We tend to spend a lot of time wishing our partners were different than they are. That tendency can keep you from connecting intimately with who they are right now–the person with whom you fell in love.